Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
