hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
