The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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