My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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