Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
