I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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