So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
