We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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