Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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