my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
