I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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