his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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