The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The air was thick with penises
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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