Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
