just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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