not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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