Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
