that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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