I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
