Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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