I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
