then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
