you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
