I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
