Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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