i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
