New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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