I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
