You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
