I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
