it was like his penis was on wheels.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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