I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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