I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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