I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
