I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
