i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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