Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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