Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
