shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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