I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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