Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
