I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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