Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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