I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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