just come out here and I will go home with you...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
