how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
