Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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