i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
