if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize