That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
