If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
