Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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