I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
