New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
