Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
