I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize