May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
