6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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