we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's the barista slut.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
