Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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