Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
