I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she peed on how many people?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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