this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
