I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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