I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
