Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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